There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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