Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
