So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
