Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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