Heybabeimwearingurpanties
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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