rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
