Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
