Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
