It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
