Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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