I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
