the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
