I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
