I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
