and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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