its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We talked him into tasing himself.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
