How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
