Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
