Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
