I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
