you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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