I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
