this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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