I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
