Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
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You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.