Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
