My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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