No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
