Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
