found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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