yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
