i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I want a musical about memes.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
