one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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