One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
