Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
