I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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