Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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