Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
