just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
