I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My vagina just recognized that song.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
