so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize