you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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