I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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