Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
