I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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