just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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