Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
