remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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