We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
