similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
