meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
