I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He passed out mid-signature
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
