oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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