Who wears a wallet chain?!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
