i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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