Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
