It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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