i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
