5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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