I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
