6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
